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On May 27th, I went excitedly to a book reading on one of my favourite subjects: Dating
I must confess, I haven’t actually read the book yet, so I can’t comment on it, but I can definitely comment on what the talk was about and highlight some of the strengths.The person presenting had written “He’s Just Not Your Type: And That’s A Good Thing.” The authour of the book is Andrea Syrtash. When I saw her, she was dressed elegantly, tall heels, a smile that looked like it had come out of a Crest commercial and a sincere glow that had come from a life of happiness and success. She was easy going, and genuinely looked like the type of person that all women, no matter how old or young, could relate to.
As one of the hand full of men sitting in the audience among with about 40+ women I listened carefully to her life story.
Andrea’s Dating Story:
Andrea is pretty similar to Carrie from Sex in the City, she’s an advice columnist specifically for dating and relationships, she currently lives in New York and was in a great relationship with a man for five years who seemed to have it all. He was well mannered, good looking and financially well off. The man she previously dated seemed to fit everything on her checklist, and yet, she knew something was missing. Logically she kept telling herself this guy has everything, “Why is it making me unhappy?” Unfortunately, love isn’t logical, and love isn’t a checklist (thought it does help if you don’t know where to start) but love is having that checklist with chemistry.
The relationship finally ended, but where she found her love was really in front of her face. It was with her long time friend Michael. Andrea kept talking about Michael this and Michael that, but when her friends told her upfront that she was “Crushing” on Michael, she was in total denial. Until after her break up, did she realize the Michael was a wonderful man to be in a relationship, and she wasn’t settling. And Michael isn’t the “ideal” man. He teaches at an inner city high school in New York, he gets stains on his shirts, and he’s not financially well off to the point where he can fly her to Hawaii for dates in which Andrea has had before. But she’s truly happy with him, and the more she knows about him, the more she falls in love.
How Did She go about Finding her Mr. Right? Here’s some advice she offers that I thought was really good.
Tip 1: Dating is Hard Work. Learn to Take Breaks
Andrea stated in her talk, that dating requires resilience. It’s hard work. But when I asked her the question about women approaching men and how often should they do it, she told me the best thing in dating is to be careful of dating fatigue. Going out there and initiating conversations with men is good, but don’t do it to the point where it burns you out.
This includes surfing profiles day in and day out, or going to too many events. If you suffer from dating fatigue, don’t give up, just take a small vacation away from dating and then when you’re energized again go back and put your best self forward.
Tip 2: Don’t get Involved with Someone Because You Feel Guilty.
This means not dating a man because you feel like you’re getting older and this is the best you can do or feel that because he does have everything on a checklist you’ve wanted that somehow you need to force yourself to love him. Andrea’s done it, and she doesn’t recommend it.
Tip 3: Relationships Should be a lot of Hard Work. But Deciding on Whether you Should be with Someone, Shouldn’t be.
This is the one message that rocked my inner core. The reason why I love my girlfriend (and sometimes dislike) is because our relationship is hard freaking work at times. Trying to work out our future, discovering what pisses us off and even debating about how kids should be raised has not been easy for us, but I wouldn’t give that up for the world. Deciding to be with her…well that’s a piece of cake.
Tip 4: Try out Different Things.
You might have a stigma about internet dating, using a matchmaker, or having a dating coach (like myself) help you find love. You may find some methods that repulse you, but there’s no denying that all those methods work for people. And you can’t keep doing the same things all the time. Are you always making excuses when finding love in different ways?
Tip 5: Get Very Clear About What You Really Really Need in a Relationship.
Get Super Clear. She used the example that one of her clients wanted to date a guy that was blonde and blue eyed, and they were a must. When questioned carefully if she sincerely needed that in man, she said no, and said what she needed in a man was a person who was loving and trustworthy.
Andrew also suggested as exercise writing down 5 things the guy must have, and 5 things that absolutely turn you off. And you’re only allowed 5 turn offs so that you can become super clear about what you don’t want.
Tip 6: Don’t be Hung up on Dating with Only Specific Types.
Andrea was talking about how one of her clients was being mentored by a 600 pound comedian. She called him everyday to get advice, and soon she felt that she was falling in love. Andrea told her that she should wait to see him in person before jumping to conclusions. She flew over, saw him, they kissed, and it was the most amazing kiss she ever had. Now they are both travelling and successful comedians, and after they started dating he has lost 300 pounds to date. Go out there and try dating other people you may not have considered because you never know.Write by phanmemgoc