Extensive New Study Fits Americans Like A Tee

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Remember when your mother always reminded you to put on a clean pair of underwear just in case?

Researchers are now discovering that the T-shirt has made significant inroads as the garment of necessity not only in the event of an emergency, but crucial for coping with life’s daily ordeals.

A new poll by Apparel & Duds surprisingly reveals most people would feel topless without the security of a T-shirt.

“This was bound to happen one day,” said Tailor Civvies, vice president of Apparel & Duds, which conducted the poll along with the Fancy Pants Society of America. “You can go through life without the benefit of underwear and so many fancy Hollywood persons are now a great testament to that notion, but you can’t, and in fact, I will say that it’s nearly impossible to function on a daily basis without the aid of a T-shirt. Our research gathered mounds of evidence to support this fact.”

Civvies noted his research uncovered hundreds of thousands of public places that institute a “No shirt, No Shoes, No service” policy. On the contrary, none of those public places had a similar rule regarding underwear.

“The simple fact is you can’t get ahead in life without a T-shirt,” Civvies said. “You’re certainly not going to get served a burger at a fast-food joint or have your license photo taken without the benefit of a T-shirt on. Our extensive research fascinated us to no end.”

Jerry Sparkling took news of the study in stride when he heard about the recent findings. He says he knows firsthand about the power of a T-shirt and was mortified the day the woman of his dreams spotted him washing his car in his driveway one lazy summer afternoon.

“It was a pleasant day so I decided to give my ride a nice buffing,” he recalled. “It was really a spur of the moment thing that I never, ever do. I went outside not even thinking about what I had on when Sharon happened to drive through the neighborhood and saw me. I would have crawled into my basement at that moment if a big spider wasn’t near the door’s opening. Instead, I stood there forced to withstand the humiliation.”

Sparkling felt humiliated because he was wearing a T-shirt riddled with holes and stains on it as he diligently washed his car.

“That day forever changed my life,” he said. “I have no doubt Sharon was turned off when she saw me in that T-shirt. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying a guy who is five inches shorter than herself, 30 pounds heavier than me and has two strands of hair. I bet you he has a ton of immaculate T-shirts, though. The bastard probably wears a T-shirt when they do it.”

Although Sparkling believes he lost the love of his life that day, the study found that there were ample lifesaving advantages to owning and wearing a T-shirt.

Dr. Sharon Fuller-Baloney, a world-renowned psychologist and motivational speaker, participated in the research. She cited several benefits of a T-shirt.

“Let’s say you’re looking to change your pants so you undue your belt but in the process suffer a deep wound on your hand from the buckle,” Fuller-Baloney said. “You could stop the bleeding by instantly turning the T-shirt you’re wearing into an tourniquet. Or let’s say your car breaks down and you get stranded with nothing to eat but some dry crackers. You could take off your T-shirt to wave in the air as a signal until weeks later a search helicopter eventually finds you. So there’s no denying the potent effects of a T-shirt.”

The study also found that:

75% of men would lie if a woman asked them if she looked fat in a T-shirt

66% of women would prefer death to being caught wearing the same T-shirt at a party as another woman

and 45% of those in prison have shoplifted T-shirts but are not in prison for that offense

“You can take a T-shirt off a man but you can’t take a man out of his T-shirt if he doesn’t really want you to,” said Cashmere Wooly of Fancy Pants. “This fact is true no matter where you are in the world.”

Write by phần mềm gốc

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